The Broderick family has two curses: One of them involves spilling food on ourselves at every meal, and the other is, “Big Gut, No Butt.” While the first is only inconvenient, and I have learned to cope with it by packing a change of clothes with me in my truck at all times, the second I have been not able to adapt to as easily.
I used to exemplify the curse with my extensive gut and tiny butt, but due to the loss of my gut, I only half represent the curse at the time being. The problem with losing my gut is that I lost the tiny semblance of a butt, which I did have, in the process. Now, I have made it so that I have lost enough gut that my butt has turned concave.
I will be the first to admit that if I had enough money, I would go under the knife and get my butt augmented, faster than you could say uncomfortable silicon. Usually people are surprised when I say that I would get butt implants if I had the opportunity to get some sort of plastic surgery, generally assuming that I would get a rhinoplasty due to my large nose. I love my nose, and would never get it touched, but the fact that people assume that I want a rhinoplasty makes me think that maybe everyone else finds my nose to be hideous and beaklike.
The problem with butt implants is that after you receive them, you cannot sit down for three months. And as much as I love standing and laying down, I couldn’t do that for three months, especially because I would regain my gut that I have worked so hard to trim down. Another reason why I wouldn’t get butt implants would be that I would not be able to decide on a butt size. Should I go with a Kardashian butt? Maybe a J.Lo… Unfortunately enough, butt implant sizes only come in female comparisons.
So for my last birthday, my best friend and her mother (who coincidently is also one of my best friends) got me a birthday present to solve all of my glute problems. The answer comes in the form of butt boosters, or tiny, mesh shorts with butt padding in the back. Not only did they get me a butt booster, but they got me two, just in case I wanted to look extra bootylicious for my nights on the town. Immediately, when I pulled them out of the box, I tried them on. First with just one pair, but after a few minutes, I had to put on both, just to see how big I could get.
I strolled about town in them and discovered how much more comfortable life is with padding on the backside. Which then made me think of the most uncomfortable chairs in the world, which just so happen to be in every church building in the country. I knew that I had to wear my butt pads to church, just to see if life would be any more comfortable.
Getting ready for church was bizarre, mostly because I couldn’t decide if I should have just one pair of pads or two. I tried on the two first and had problems getting my slacks on and over my false butt, which then just made me look ridiculous, so I opted for the one pair. The problem therein lies with the fact that I bought slacks that make it look like I have a butt, even though I don’t, so my butt looked ridiculously large (and especially wide). Luckily, with the help of a sweater vest, I was able to make my butt look less noticeably fake, and more acceptable as part of my normal body.
I had to make sure that I walked normally, so that my mother would not see my prosthetic butt, because if she had any inkling of its falseness, I am sure she would have sent me to the bathroom to take it off immediately, and then come back for a non-padded spanking. Just in case she did find out and sent me off the bathroom, I brought the other butt in my man purse, so that I could put on both in the bathroom and really make a spectacle before being spanked maliciously in Sunday School.
I told a few people about my fake butt, which just made it so that they watched me as I walked to see if they could spot a difference. This wouldn’t be so awkward if only one person was staring at me as I walked by, but by the end of church, I had a good fifteen people trying to judge my butt. Some said they could tell because it didn’t shake, and others said that it was a little too high, but nobody really said that it was unbelievable because I am known for having the flattest bum on the planet, so I was quite satisfied with the results.
The saddest part of the whole situation is when I take off the boosters, because I feel like I am naked without my butt. So I like to slide on the shorts for an extra fifteen minutes, just to make me feel like I have completely escaped the Broderick curse of Big Gut, No Butt. Then I take off my implants for the day, and hide them away so that my secret butt won’t be found and used for evil. And then, when I sit down, I realize how boney my butt is and I get tempted to slide them right back on again.
